Whatever the case, steps in treating them are essentially the same. What do you do if the abrasive person is your boss, your peer, someone you are interviewing, or, hardest to face of all, yourself? What recourse do you have then? Let us assume that you are relatively new or inexperienced in a particular area and need a certain amount of time to achieve your own competence. Chances are that because of his knowledge and competence, your abrasive boss will have much to teach.
Since his high standards will ensure that the model he provides will be a good one, there will be sufficient reason for you to tolerate his abrasiveness. But after two years, or whenever you establish your own competence, you will begin to chafe under the rigid control.
As you push for your own freedom, your boss is likely to become threatened with loss of control and feel that you are becoming rivalrous. He is then likely to turn on you, now no longer a disciple, and, in sometimes devious ways, get back at you. Your memos will lie on his desk, unanswered. Information being sent through channels will be delayed. Complaints, suggestions, requests will either be rejected outright or merely tabled. Sometimes he will reorganize the unit around you, which will fence you in and force you to deal with decoys—nominal bosses who have no real power.
If you are in a safe position, you might tell the boss how he appears to you, and his effect on subordinates. If he is at a high level, it will usually do little good to go above his head. Certainly, you should check out how much concern his superiors have about him, how much they are willing to tolerate, and how able they are to face him in a confrontation.
Few at higher management levels are willing to take on a bright, combative, seemingly self-confident opponent—especially if he has a record of achievement, and there is little concrete evidence of the negative effects of his behavior.
In short, after you have learned what you can from such a person, it is probably time to get out from under him. If you are the peer of an abrasive person, do not hesitate to tell him if his behavior intimidates you.
Speaking of your irritation and anger and that of others, you might tell him you do not think he wants to deliberately estrange people or be self-defeating. He might become angry, but if approached in a kindly manner, he is more likely to be contrite and may even ask for more feedback on specific occasions.
What should you look for during an interview to avoid hiring someone who will turn out to be abrasive? Pay attention to the charming personality. Not all charming persons are self-centered, but many are. Some preen themselves, dress to perfection, and in other ways indicate that they give an inordinate amount of attention to themselves.
The more exhibitionistic the person, the more a person needs approval, the less he or she can be thoughtful of others. Also pay special attention to precision in speech or manner. Clarity is a virtue, but a need for exactness indicates a need to control.
Find out how the person gets things done by having him or her describe past projects and activities. How much does he report starting and finishing tasks all by himself, even to the surprise of his superiors?
To do so is not necessarily bad; in fact, it may be good for a person to be a self-starter. But repeated singular achievement might indicate a problem in working as part of a team. How closely did he have to check the work of subordinates?
How important was it for him to have control of what was happening? How did he talk to people about their mistakes? How did he go about coaching them? How did he view the limits and inadequacies of others, as human imperfections or as faults? How much better does he think things could have been done? Why were they not done better? Why could he not do better? What did his bosses say about him in performance appraisals?
Finally, what if you are abrasive? If you answer six or more affirmatively, it takes no great insight to recognize that you have more problems than are good for your career. Of course, none of these questions taken by itself is necessarily indicative of anything, but enough affirmative answers may reveal an abrasive profile. You might ask yourself these questions. Then ask them of your spouse, your peers, your friends—and even your subordinates:.
Are you condescendingly critical? Are people reluctant to discuss things with you? Does no one speak up? When someone does, are his or her statements inane?
Do your subordinates admire you because you are so strong and capable or because, in your organization, they feel so strong and capable—and supported? To your amazement do people speak of you as cold and distant when you really want them to like you? Do you regard yourself as more competent than your peers, than your boss?
Does your behavior let them know that? If you are the problem and it troubles you, you can work at self-correction. Most often, however, you need the help of a third person—your spouse, a friend, your boss, or a professional. If your behavior causes you serious problems on the job, then a professional is indicated. Managers and executives with naturally heavy orientations to control, need to check themselves carefully for this kind of behavior lest unconsciously they defeat their own ends.
You have 1 free article s left this month. You are reading your last free article for this month. Subscribe for unlimited access.
Create an account to read 2 more. Motivating people. Each had come to his and her own […] by Harry Levinson.
Then ask them of your spouse, your peers, your friends—and even your subordinates: 1. Do you need to be in full control? Does almost everything need to be cleared with you? In meetings, do your comments take a disproportionate amount of time? Are you quick to rise to the attack, to challenge? Do you have a need to debate? Do discussions quickly become arguments?
Are you preoccupied with acquiring symbols of status and power? Do you weasel out of responsibilities? Thank you for this service you provide. This kind of thinking is common to aggressive personalities. Still, I find the framework I advance helpful in understanding what makes certain personalities behave and think as they do.
Therapists who have solid training in personality or character disturbance and who adopt a cognitive-behavioral approach to treatment especially if they use cognitive-behavioral strategies of anger management and aggression replacement offer you the best hope of dealing effectively with such problems. And, naturally, the motivation for change must come from the person who has the problems. More and more therapists have become familiar with my work and perspective.
Some have even been given my books by their clients. But in any case, locating someone with the kind of expertise I outlined above should prove to be of help. Thanks for taking the time to write. I hope you secure the help you seek. Perhaps other readers will have some helpful comments as well. Not winning. Winning is just a natural solution to the fear hidden inside, but it is not the goal, refusing to be a victim any longer is our goal.
I am one of those combative people. Your whole take on this is a bit off, it has very little to do with winning. We have flaws, but your identification of them is off by a bit, the motivation behind the negative behavior is misunderstood here in this article. I totally agree because I can see those experiences in my husband.
Thanks though for sharing your introspective. Thank you for your endorsement! There are clearly times when one has to be willing to go to the mat, especially for an important principle. And can never ever say one nice thing about anybody, except their dog. If we separate out the two act, we see different picture. Guaranteed an amnesty scheme, we will see a serious drop in murder-suicide.
Andy, I have a difficult time finding and getting into parts of the archives. Therefore, a thought of suicide for them would be a win- win if you accompanied them. Never, ever, underestimate their sick twisted minds. You see it as a loss -loss, to them it is the opposite.
Andy and BYOV I read that article and found it highly disturbing and worrisome, wondering if the Jerk would reach that level of dysfunction and take me out with him. This Combative, contentious personality I believe stems from abuse in childhood and had caused them to experience rejection and loss which stems from a root of bitterness.
This individual does not like to back down. They tell you they love people, they love God BUT, they are not a punk either.
They feel the need to always defend themselves and feel that they are misunderstood. We have talked about their sharp abrasive responses and their outspokenness. Then they apologize for the way their words came across , and then proceed with their justification of their statements.
Dealing with this personality can be exhausting. I watched it happen while we were in a group setting with others and saw the draining effect hit members of the group. They want loving relationships and this person desires to be used by God to help others, that shows that their heart is in the right place. We have to be stabilized first and their become the hero.
Then truly it can be a Win-Win Scenario for all. You answer many of your own questions. In fact concentrating on the positive qualities puts one in the position of ignoring bad behavior.
This can be a fatal mistake as one can become to emotionally involved to make good judgement calls and before you know it you have invested so much in the relationship if becomes difficult to break away.
I am not suggesting your breaking off this relationship but would urge you to read your post from a different standpoint, that being from the outside. Perhaps, the best thing you could do for your friend is to direct them to a professional versed in this field.
Another good source is to read though the archives of this blog and purchase Dr. Simons books. I would also encourage you to keep posting on the blog, there are very good commenters here that are more than willing to give input.
I am dealing with this type of character type right now in my husband. BTW, I never cheated and to this day can say this is still the truth. And now he is doing this in front of my family and the kids and he recently insulted them about how a funeral for a recent deceased family member was being held. Everything is my fault and it is very frustrating, being married to someone like this. Masochism Explained From the psychoanalytic point of view masochism is a life orientation, a fundamental solution to the problem of human existence.
Most people think of masochism, along with sadism, in sexual terms but the sexual sphere is only one behavioral manifestation of a much deeper psychological way of being and relating. In a nutshell masochism solves […] Change Is An Active Attitude Most people who are struggling in their lives believe that if they could just think and feel differently everything would get better. Because their underlying attitude is passive not active. They want this change […] Depression And The Competitive Attitude Separating normal from abnormal is, for most people, a question of which norms and values their particular cultural group embraces and which norms and values their particular cultural group disavows.
They take it as a given that one dominant set of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors derived from the norms and […] Non-Judgmental Attitude A common stumbling block for people attempting to integrate mindfulness into their daily lives is the idea of the non-judgmental attitude.
While leaving judgments of all kinds at the door sounds nice in principle, it seems impossible, not to mention inadvisable, in practice. We start to see the bad along with the good, we experience people in all their humanness. And we might not like it. Most of us implicitly know that […] Compassionate Listening Explained When most people listen to others they knowingly or unknowingly place themselves and their own psychological, emotional, or material wants at the center of it all.
Normal listening might indeed be very interested in what the Other has to say, but this interest is not primarily concerned with the health and happiness of the other […] Related Items breathing combative fight or flight helplessness.
You may also like Anxiety is the Feeling of Helplessness in a Hostile World. Helplessness And Anxiety. Managing Frustration. Terms of Use.
0コメント